At a friend’s event for a book about her family’s genetic disorder, she talked about how she often thinks she’s having a stroke. “So sometimes you’ll be talking to me, and I think I’m having a stroke,” she said.

As someone who suffered from anxiety, I have had my share of trying to keep it together outwardly while inwardly wondering if I’m dying. I have had strange symptoms since October, but especially within the past month, I’ve felt strange. I’ll be talking to someone and suddenly get a sharp pain in my left calf or my toes will go numb. I’ll be on the train and I get a jolt of pain in my side or I stand up too fast and feel like I might pass out because of my low blood pressure.¬†Oddly, my main concern isn’t actually passing out or the pain, but ruining dinner out or being the maligned sick train passenger who causes delays. My last thought, if I’m lucky enough to have a peaceful end many years from now, will probably be, “I hope this isn’t too embarrassing.”

For possible work leave, the doctor had to fill out a form listing why I might not be able to return to work for a bit, and she listed all my current symptoms: fatigue, diarrhea, nausea, anorexia (the medical kind where you just don’t feel like eating), weakness, pain. I have been trying really hard to keep things normal, but seeing it all listed made me think that I’m in pretty bad shape. Plus, I have the neuropathy and an eye infection, and just general inflammation all around, it seems.

I’ve been meaning to update this blog for awhile, but last night I ended up doing the dishes and cleaning a bit. What they find today will determine how the rest of my life could go, or at least the next few years. If there is only one, then I can get the ablation; there was a change of plans to avoid infection, so they would no longer also do the embolization. If they discover more tumors, then I just get the embolization and I would have to keep getting those done. It’s almost always bad news, so I don’t want to get my hopes up. Fingers crossed that I can get the ablation and avoid subsequent infection. I’m in the hospital for a day or two and then I can return home for more recovery.¬†Either way, I should feel better after this. Thank you for all your kind thoughts and words!


  1. Mary Frederich says:

    As always, Josie, I’m praying for the best possible outcome for you. You’ve been so strong through so much and I know it’s a lot to ask, but please keep on keepin’ on. You so deserve a major break from all this and I’m crossing every finger that you get it. All of us are cheering you on and sending you strength and love. Many hugs!

  2. Alison Mabe says:

    Prayers for you! You are inspiring, clever, and sarcastic, which makes for a pretty great person. I think of you often and send prayers and well wishes to you!

  3. […] back into the nineties soon. I thought our scale was broken when 87 or 89 would show up. I had been progressively feeling more terrible, and I’m ready to feel […]

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