I am sitting in a place I hoped never to be again: the Urgent Care of Sloan-Kettering. I have thought about coming to the ER for more than a month (and even did end up at urgent care on vacation in October). I have even have had a little to-go bag packed for the past few days, something the triage nurse laughed with me about.
My symptoms come and go, but the numbness has gotten a lot worse, and I’m always in pain. It’s just a little bit of pain, and it’s not in the same place for long. I also get lightheaded and feel strange, but since it comes and goes, I haven’t known what to do. This past week I have felt increasingly terrible, to the point where I am afraid to move too much, because using my muscles makes them really twitchy and painful. I have stopped working out for now and feel like just a shadow of the person I was even a week ago. At work today, I felt really lightheaded and strange, with a buzzy feeling in my head. I had MRIs slated for Friday and Monday but I really feel alarmed since the numbness and pain has moved to my head.
I think I will probably be here for awhile. I always try to be grateful if I am in the best shape in the ER/Urgent Care. I’d rather be in this situation than being rushed in. I think they are going to do the MRI here. I am equally afraid it will show something or show nothing. I don’t want this to be serious, but I also want to know what this is, as I have been so miserable.
On the long cab ride up here, I watched the streets slip past (very slowly, aware of the meter) and tried to enjoy the luxury of a rare cab ride through the city and remember all the nice things. I passed the pub where Dylan Thomas drank himself to death (not a particularly nice memory, nor mine) but it’s also the place where me and another friend surprised my best friend, in town from Dublin, with U2 tickets when she came to visit me a few summers ago. I went past my friends’ workplace where we did lunchtime yoga and had lunch at her work cafeteria with a view of the river. I passed the Webster Hall area, where I have seen so many bands and just recently got to see a Q&A with A Tribe Called Quest. I also thought about how the driver should have taken a different route. But life has been good to me, and I need to remember that.
I was supposed to start chemo on Monday and took my initial doses that day and Tuesday morning, but I had developed a rash on Sunday that turned out to be shingles. My chemo is delayed for a few weeks until I get over the shingles. That was a bit of a disappointment as I was all geared up to do the chemo and now it will be at least a few more weeks. I had hoped these symptoms might be alleviated once I started the chemo.
I hope I leave here today with some answers.