As I may have mentioned, I am beyond antsy at this point. The latest is that I’ll be here through the weekend. Maybe I’ll be released on Sunday at the earliest, but it’s not likely.

Much thanks to those who have agreed to visit and to try to keep me sane, as I climb the walls.

Today, I may venture to the patient lounge on the 15th floor just to get out of my room and see what’s happening. Last night, someone knocked on my door and offered a guitarist to serenade me. It’s a cool idea, but I’m weird about musicians/performers being able to see me, so I deferred to another time.

Thanks, too, to all of those who have offered me words of strength—and encouraging words about my own strength.

The thing is, I never wanted to be strong. Often, I worried I was weak. I hoped I would stay that way, untested by life.

When I looked at my somewhat charmed life, I feared I skipped a step. Had I done something to deserve these amazing friends? This life, rich in experiences? A career I loved? The love of my life? Did I need to suffer first? Work harder?

I sometimes worried that I hadn’t earned what I had. Now I know that’s not true. I worked for what I had and I definitely deserve the company of the great people I’ve surrounded myself with.

I didn’t need cancer to see that. I didn’t need cancer to make me stronger, though it has. Sometimes, something terrible happens, and we don’t know why. This was one of those things. I hope to be on the other side soon.


  1. Liz says:

    You do have wonderful friends!!

  2. Lewis says:

    It really sucks being in the hospital for so long. I can’t imagine doing so many days. I did 18 days and that seemed like an eternity. When I got discharged yesterday it was a strange feeling. A feeling of freedom and also an emotional good bye to room 829. It was a room where I got poisoned by chemo and my stem cells injected back in me to get better. A room where I pissed, shat, threw up, and showered. When I left I thought to myself “wow a lot happened in this room. Thanks for saving my life and good bye.”

    I hope you can leave soon. Just keep on thinking that freedom is just right around the corner. Though the freedom is limited since I still have to wear a mask when I go to the grocery store and I can’t eat restaurant food. Hospital stay was jail and now this is probation.

    • apainintheneck says:

      Very well put, Lewis! Nice to finally “meet” you.
      I can’t wait for probation after this time! You’re right though–a lot happens in these rooms, including a rebirth of sorts.

  3. […] said this before, but I don’t think I needed to get cancer to give me any fresh perspectives on life. I was doing […]

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